Warning: This story contains depictions of self-loathing. If you do not wish to read about this, do not read further. Thank you!

When I step into t’ car, I get a funny feeling in me stomach. I’m sure it’s not t’ food; nothing tasted off or strange. Actually, it was probably one of t’ better restaurant salads I’ve ever ate. For a moment, it’s worsened when Madison sits down in t’ passenger seat next to me. Questions flood me mind like “why was she gone for so long?” and “did she hate t’ dinner?”; however, I’m put to ease when Madison’s scent fills t’ car.

I’m not sure why, but her smell is so soothing to me. It’s kind of fruity and earthy, like vanilla and strawberry, but I’m sure it’s a unique smell I’ve never smelled before. I’m not sure how else to describe it, and I know that doesn’t make sense, but it’s t’ best I’ve got. She simply smells delightful, and it puts me mind at ease.

“Did you enjoy yourself?” She asks me. I perk up, a bit startled to hear her voice. I nod.

“Yea, I ‘ad a grand time. And you?” I respond. She nods.

“Incredible.”

Doubts return to me mind as I pull out of t’ parking lot. Is she lying to make me feel better, or did she really not mind puking her guts out? I feel right horrible; I should have said something to her. I glance over to her to see what she’s doing, and she’s staring out t’ window like usual.

I look back to t’ road and decide I should leave it be. She’d probably be embarrassed if I brought it up, and I can’t do anything about it now. I just hope she doesn’t resent me for it.

As t’ drive from York to Fifelthorpe drags on, I get a funny thought in me head. What made her mood change so quickly? She went into t’ bathroom sick, I’m sure she turned hersen inside out in there, then instead of coming out dizzy and confused she came out right bloody fine.

Well, she seemed to have spent enough time in there, maybe she waited until she felt fine enough to come out. I mesen wouldn’t come out of t’ bathroom unless I was feeling right fine; it makes sense what Maddie wouldn’t.

I fight off me worries until we make it home. I pull up in t’ driveway, and look over to Madison. She must be lost in her own thoughts, because she’s still sitting, staring out of t’ window. Usually, she hops right out of t’ car t’ first chance she gets.

I am always awestruck by how beautiful she is, every single time I look at her I get lost. Her hair is perfectly wavy and a gorgeous red colour, and her eyes are a mesmerising bright green. Her face is right perfect in every way, from her soft gaze to t’ smattering of freckles across her cheeks and nose. Then she has beautiful lips, from which I find mesen constantly wishing I could catch a smile.

I watch her perk up, and she snaps her gaze to me. Her eyes look frantic, and have t’ animalistic look she always has when she’s scared. I realise I’ve been staring at her, and I look away quickly. She then quickly gets out of me car, and I follow suit. She waits for me to start going up to t’ front door since she doesn’t have a key yet.

We walk in t’ house together, and Madison wordlessly makes off to t’ stairs. I frown and try to come after her, but stop when she reaches t’ staircase.

“Madison?” I call out. She responds, “Yeah?”

I want to say something to her. I desperately want to do something, to apologise, to ask what’s wrong, to do something besides just ignoring it until tomorrow comes and it all happens again. Now is me chance, “Good night,” and I can’t bring mesen to take advantage of it.

There’s something wrong with me. I must be t’ dumbest person alive. I’ve completely ruined me first date; I’ve ruined Madison’s first date. I can’t do anything right. I don’t deserve her. I wish i could start over, I wish that me parents were here, they always knew what to do, I wish dad could hug me and tell me it’s all okay and that I can do better next time, i wish i wasnt so stupid i wish i was home that night i wish i could have known i wish i never left home i wish mum was here she’d tell me what to do i wish the bloody doctors did their job at least id still have her i wish i knew what to do i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i wish i was better i 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I wish I was…

Asleep.

I wish I could just fall asleep forever. At least then all I’d have are dreams, and could forget all me worries. Maybe I’ll dream of Madison’s smile tonight. Maybe I’ll see me parents again… God dammit. I do this shit every bloody night. Every night I cry me sorry self to a restless sleep and start t’ day over. Every day I hope I can finally do something for someone, but I always go belly-up. I promise, Madison, I’ll make you happy one day. I hope so, at least. I’ll try. I promise.